Here’s my sense of humor: my friend Andrew had a seizure while running and slammed face-first into the ground, mangling his face pretty badly.  The next day, he was in bed resting and we brought him dinner.  I got him what he ordered, but also a side of Caesar Salad.

Get it? Seizure,  Caesar?

[intro narration]
Mark Wahlberg, actor and former lead singer of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch narrowly escaped disaster in 2001 by leaving Boston one day too soon, on September 10, to party with a friend in Toronto before continuing onto Los Angeles. Wahlberg, with his reputation as a Hollywood bad boy whose real life entourage is the basis for the HBO hit show Entourage canceled his original flight, one of those flown into the World Trade Center on the morning on September 11.

[shot of plane flying into WTC]

[narration continues]

What would have happened if he and his bad ass crew had been flying first class that morning out of Boston’s Logan Airport? Could crisis have been averted?

[cue music, "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch]

We see Mark Wahlberg and three bad ass south Boston white boys walking through an airport, girls swoon on the side, the woman at the counter blushes from his obvious charm as they priority board the flight. You can see his Rockstar/ Boogie Nights Charm carries over into real life. In the back of the scene, we barely see several Middle Eastern men scattered throughout the terminal. One of Mark’s assistants is carrying a leather briefcase.

We see him send a message to his friend Rasta Phil via blackberry:
“sorry we couldn’t come last night, see you in vancouver”

Next shot, everyone on the plane, its taking off, guys are joking around, you get the sense that these guys are majorly bad ass. We all know what happens next. Terrorists with box cutters try and take over the plane, they subdue the coach travelers, who are scared shitless, and come to the front of the plane, prepared to take it over.

They are met by four bad boys from South Boston, ready to fuck up these wicked queers. The fight breaks out, and its a battle. A few terrorists get taken out, then one of Mark’s boys gets knocked out. Mark’s short Irish temper flairs and he starts knocking heads together. Finally, his buddy with the briefcase unlocks it to reveal Mark’s special weapon: (of course the briefcase opens with a blinding white light, Tarantino style) his Boogie Nights prosthetic penis, which he always travels with, “Just in case”
He pulls out this impressively long shaft and wields it like a kitana blade, slapping the remaining terrorists into submission. He finally captures the “leader” and forces him to deep throat the entire thing, plastic balls nearly on his chin and he gasps for air. The terrorist begs him to stop, Marky, now in complete control demands to know what their now thwarted plans were. He pulls the huge cock out, the terrorist starts to tell him, in very broken english, says, “Bin Laden, Trade Center, Two Planes”
One of Marky’s crew quickly runs off to the Pilot, signaling that another plane going to NY was to be taken over.

Finally, the near dead, cock-choked terrorist says, no longer in broken English, now with perfect pronunciation: “You have defeated us Marky, Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with it.”

[song ends]

[cut to] Mark Wahlberg being awarded a medal by President Bush. We see Dick Cheney next to him, with a glint of disappointment in his eye.

[follow up]
Mark is cast to play himself in the movie version, called “Too Soon?”

By Simon Rich, recent Harvard grad/ Lampoon Editor.

It’s brilliant and funny. And you’ll read it in less than an hour.

Another great list from the McSweeney’s WitBot.

…opened bidding for virginia-tech-rampage.com at $1,000. He set his Buy It Now price at $10,000. On the listing, Owens wrote that virginia-tech-rampage.com is a “great domain name for development!” He posted a photo of an angel in a short white dress hovering next to a cross.

In related news, loving the Web 2 point oh-shit of www.sayoffensiveshit.com.