Emo Philips Changed My Life

Driving through western Colorado with my dad ~ 1998 we went into a record store.  Searching through the comedy section, I recognized E=MO^2 from the film UHF.  On a whim I bought the cassette that changed my life and introduced me to one of the worlds greatest joke writers.

Anyway, I found this digging through a bunch of old crap. It’s absolutely brilliant.

Download Emo Philips – E=MO^2.

Haiku

Backstory:

At the trendy asian fusion restaurant called Haiku in the Short North neighborhood in Columbus, a customer fled without paying their bill.  Rachel Widomski, a bartender ran out after the customer, who hit her with his car while fleeing the lot, leaving her paralyzed.  Everyone in the community has rallied around the cause, throwing fundraisers and art auctions.

The retarded guy who lives in the park has written the following contributions to a book of Haiku poetry I’m compiling.  Submissions are encouraged.

didn’t want to pay
so he ran away but you’ll
never walk again
—
sushi isn’t cooked
not alive, but raw and dead
bet you wish you were
—
my favorite dish
lightly battered, tenderized
you know how it feels
—
california roll
fake crab meat, cucumber. now:
you’re the vegetable
—
i love your restaurant
pretty smile and nice hair
hope you get well soon
—
driverman asshole
I’m retarded and I know
food costs you money
—
your mom is upset
saw her talk on the tv
damn that cheap bastard